“How to Choose Friends as an Adult”

Credit: Style My Soul, www.stylemysoul.com | Friendships in Adulthood

Navigating the complex world of adult friendships can be daunting, we have professionals sharing their insights on how to choose the right companions. From respecting boundaries to aligning with your values, learn the key strategies for forging genuine connections. Discover the expert-backed approach to finding friends who will celebrate your triumphs and stand by you through life’s seasons.

Ask If You Like Yourself Around Them
One of the most overlooked but mature ways to choose friends in mid-adulthood is this: Ask yourself, “Do I like who I am when I’m around this person?” In our 20s, friendships often form out of convenience — college, work, mutual friends. But as we grow older, friendships should be more intentional. Instead of focusing on shared history or common interests alone, the real test is how a person makes you feel about yourself when you’re with them.

Here’s why this approach changed the way I choose friends:
1. Energy matters more than proximity. You don’t need to see someone everyday to maintain a deep connection. But if every interaction leaves you drained or second-guessing yourself, that’s a sign they’re not adding value to your life.
2. Growth-focused friendships last longer. The best friends aren’t just fun — they challenge you in the right ways, inspire you, and encourage you to evolve.
3. It prevents “legacy friendships” from holding you back. Just because someone has been in your life for years doesn’t mean they belong in your future. Asking this question forces you to be honest about whether the friendship still serves you.
In mid-adulthood, friendship should feel like a net positive investment — not an obligation. Choosing people who make you feel engaged, inspired, and truly yourself is the most sustainable way to build relationships that last.
- Derek Pankaew, CEO & Founder, Listening.com

Align With Those Who Respect Boundaries
In mid-adulthood, choosing friends becomes about aligning with those who respect your boundaries and understand your needs. In my work with individuals dealing with high-functioning anxiety, I emphasize the importance of being around people who help you maintain your energy levels rather than drain them. Selecting friends who appreciate your need for self-care and who reciprocate emotional support is crucial. From my experience facilitating EMDR intensive therapy, I’ve seen how clients thrive when surrounded by those who help them process emotions healthily. This creates a safe space for vulnerability, allowing genuine connections to form. Seek out friends who not only listen but also encourage growth, allowing you to develop deeper self-awareness and confidence.
One of the unique approaches we use in my practice is Resilience Focused EMDR, which highlights turning struggles into strengths. Applying this to friendships, look for individuals who have transformed their challenges into wisdom, as they can enrich your life and inspire your growth journey. - Libby Murdoch, Founder, Brain Based Counseling

Find Reliable, Clear-Communications Friends
In my law practice and business network, it’s important to find reliable and clear-communications friends. My professional experience has taught me the importance of actions over words, so I carefully observe how potential friends treat others and maintain their promises over time. Join professional or community groups set up to meet people and build relationships over time. In my business network, I’ve made lasting bonds by working together on projects or doing community service first. This method allows you to find similar values and conversation styles that work well together before stronger friendships form.
- Mark Hirsch, Co-founder and Personal Injury Attorney, Templer & Hirsch

Focus on Shared Values and Mutual Support
From my own experience and after reflection, a mature way to choose friends in mid-adulthood is to focus on shared values and mutual support. Instead of seeking relationships based on convenience, it’s important to connect with people whose principles align with yours and who contribute positively to your personal development. In my experience, friendships rooted in common goals and genuine interest tend to grow stronger over time. Just as in business, personal relationships benefit from intentionality, so I focused on a tight-knit circle of friends who were aligned with my long-term vision. Additionally, prioritize consistency over quantity. The best friendships are those that offer mutual support, honesty, and constructive feedback. These are the people who show up when it matters, challenge you to grow, and share in your successes. In mid-adulthood, cultivating a few deep, meaningful relationships often proves far more valuable than maintaining numerous superficial ones. This focused approach not only enhances emotional well-being but can enrich your professional and personal life, just like building quality partnerships in business for long-term success.
One mature way to choose friends in mid-adulthood is to view relationships as strategic investments in your personal growth. I learned this while building an online media company: rather than collecting numerous casual acquaintances, I focused on meeting people who shared similar values and long-term goals. Attending targeted networking events helped me connect with individuals whose vision aligned with mine, resulting in a few genuine, high-quality friendships that not only supported me professionally but also enriched my personal life.
Additionally, it’s crucial to choose friends who consistently support and challenge you in meaningful ways. Mature friendships thrive on mutual respect, honest communication, and reliability — traits that are more important than the quantity of connections. By investing time in relationships that offer both encouragement and constructive feedback, you create a network that fuels personal well-being and professional success. This focused, intentional approach to friendship has proven invaluable in navigating the complexities of mid-adulthood. - Max Spring, Editor, Online Stopwatch Global

Be Intentional About Time and Energy
In midlife, it becomes crucial to be intentional about those with whom you share your time and energy in terms of friendships. They should be based on respect, trust, and common values, rather than convenience or old habits. Relationships are often held onto just for the sake of history, but the best friends are those who continue to grow with you and adjust to your pace in life. Notice how their company leaves you. Do you feel uplifted, listened to, or that someone truly cares about you? Or are you drained, unappreciated, or the only one putting in an effort?
The true nature of friendship is in its consistency. Those who really value you will find it in them not only to show up when it is convenient but also to do so just because they want to be part of your life. Look for the people who respect your boundaries, celebrate your successes without competition, and support you through bad times. A true friendship is not constant work; it flows steadily and smoothly with a rhythm of shared effort. Mid-adulthood is the time to get choosy with relationships that add rejoicing, growth, and stability instead of stress and obligation. - Ushmana Rai, Founder, TDEE Calculator

Trust Your Gut — It’s Usually Right
If you feel drained, anxious, or undervalued around someone, that’s your sign. I’ve learned to trust my instincts when it comes to friendships. If a relationship doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to move on and make space for the right people.
- Sahil Kakkar, CEO / Founder, RankWatch

Be Available When You Don’t Need Work
People often disappear until they need you, then suddenly they’re your best friend. If you want to increase your chances of doing business with people, then be available when you don’t need the work. Show people that you genuinely care about their success and well-being. Make friends with people. Build relationships, and people will support you when it matters most. A simple way to stay engaged is to connect with people on LinkedIn and other social media platforms. Be intentional about seeking out their posts, in case they get buried by the algorithms. It takes very little effort to drop a like and a short comment. When needs arise, you’ll find that you’re often on the short list because you took the time to build a meaningful relationship with someone and gave them support while expecting nothing in return.
- Dennis Consorte, Digital Marketing & Leadership Consultant for Startups, Consorte Marketing

Understand What Made You Into An Adult
Let’s not forget that most people in mid-adulthood grew up at the same time as you, so they will probably understand what made you into an adult better than most! As a 45-year-old man, most of my generation grew up on video games. Today there is a large section of society with people in their 40s who have expendable cash and free time to spend with like-minded people, so online video gaming has really taken off in the 35–45 year old bracket. Twice a week, I game online with friends and we meet new people all the time. During COVID, mature gaming really took off. We have a rule when meeting new people…if they are friendly, non-toxic, and can take a joke, then we offer them to join our chat group, but if not, we block them.
Overall when it comes to choosing friends, I’ve decided that as I’ve gotten older, the less is more approach is preferred. If someone does not add to my life or takes me for granted, then I realize that fighting for an old friendship will never give you what you need out of that relationship. So I have let 20+ year friendships drift away and end while focusing on the <10 real friendships that I have with like-minded people who lift me up rather than bring me down. I’m not afraid to meet new people (I do it online regularly), but to go from an acquaintance to a friend, you need to nurture the relationship from both sides…if not, it will die.- Andrew Nolan, Blogger, Forty and Fearless